I promise, the next time I post, it will be a lot more in line with the first post. Just need to get this off of my chest.
Being depressed at work is like you're wearing a mask constantly. All you have to do is pretend that you're okay, laugh at the tacky jokes that are being made and everyone walks away, telling themselves that there is nothing wrong with you. They tell themselves that they have checked in with you, they've done their due diligence.
It's a lot easier at the moment. COVID restrictions mean that masks have to be work at work, so its a lot easier to hide that you're not smiling, easier to pretend that you're okay. So long as your voice is steady, no one knows anything is wrong. It's not like they are going to get too close to see the sadness in your eyes, not with the social distancing needed in this time of COVID.
Despite the talk of COVID, its not the main root of my depressive episode. I know it is something deeper, possibly something that I am not ready to confront. I am standing on a precipice, teetering while I hold onto my balance stick, hoping that my grip is tight enough, hoping that I am enough to keep myself from falling forward. Each emotional response is heightened. Call from an unknown number? Triggers a panic response totally unworthy of whatever scam calling through.
How am I handling things?
I track everything, possibly leaning into some undiagnosed OCD tendencies. I note the days where my mood is low, when my anxiety is high. I track when my carpal tunnel is hurting. I even make a note if I am in enough pain to warrant stronger pain relief than paracetamol. I track when I have headaches. Each week I look at the fluctuations in my blood pressure and weight. At my last doctors appointment for my blood pressure tablets, I was able to read back through the past recordings, noting that there were a couple of times where my pressure was a lot higher than it should have been, but also how I handled these readings (usually not going too far from the couch to let it settle).
What do I want to do to handle things?
Get up the guts to talk to my doctor about my moods and get a referral to speak to someone. Tell them how I feel and how that impacts everything.
Because it does.
A lot.
